Well, I guess my doctor’s office has decided me having massive panic attacks during my procedure and possible biopsy isn’t a good thing either. They had decided that I need some valium before going in. Not a bad idea that! And actually the nurse practitioner/midwife that I normally see isn’t overly happy with the way things have been handled. So she is talking to the doctor doing my stuff tomorrow and filling her in on all the good stuff. And called the office yesterday - one of her days away from the office - to get the doctor to call in the script for valium and is coming in to the office tomorrow - a day she normally reserves for midwife duties - to be there for my procedure.
I’m still a little freaked by all this. It’s a very strange feeling to be forcing yourself to do something that has similar components of a horrific action taken against your person. As much as I know I need to go in and have this done, it’s just so weird to force myself to do something that has parts similar to what was done to me in violence.
On the good side - my brother and sis-in-law get to see the peanut again today - well a sonogram of her, but hey it’s still cool! I think it’s really cool that they share the sonogram pictures with us. Even though we are states away, the whole family gets to be a part of it!
First post here and I’m getting way too serious.
I feel like shit. I’m totally stressed out because I have to have a colposcopy - for those that don’t know it’s a pelvic exam where they can take tissue samples from a woman cervix to determine why there are abnormal cells. That in itself wouldn’t be so bad, a little stressful, but not so horrible. My issues stem from my rape over 3 years ago. It’s bringing back so many issues and thoughts that I’m totally out of control. I’m not sleeping again. I’m reliving moments or my rape in my mind over and over. I’m seeing the worst case scenario when it comes to the procedure - I panic just as they are about to take the sample, I jerk and they cut my cervix open. I know nasty image.
Now all of this might not be so bad and right up front in my damn brain if it wasn’t for the fact that there is going to be a trial for my alleged attacker. The whole thing has made national news. Here I thought I was done with all this. They would never catch anyone, and I would go on and live my life. Now I’m waiting to see when the actual trial is going to happen. Waiting for news on bond hearings and status hearings.
Then this. The procedure is way to similar to part of my rape. Position, the cervix being messed with. It’s making me insane. I feel similar to the way I did right after the rape. I can’t get it all out of my mind. I keep seeing everything over and over. I can’t sleep. I’m in a constant state of panic and depression. Not a good combo.
Well, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. By 1 or so I should be done with this procedure and things should calm back down. I hope.